I Hate To Break It To You But You Have Hit The Wall For Ephebophiles
By Peter Vack
Sam Shepard is not a faggot.
Sam Shepard would never get a hair transplant.
Josh and Troian are playing Beth and Frankie.
Beth’s been beaten retarded by her husband.
To play Beth, you cast a spell on yourself.
Jack Ludkey says acting is easy.
Oh wait—well, yeah, it is easy when you’re a genius, I think, as I jack off to a screenshot of myself at 26 on Omegle, attempting to make Internet Art 1.0 in 2010.
I am 26 and I look 16.
I have so much collagen in my face.
I have an Annabel Boardman–Cassidy Grady–Chloe Wheeler–Collette Malachi–DJ Shill–Ella Schmidt–roommates.source amount of collagen in my face.
I am 26, and if I were a girl, I’d have hit the wall.
Cass and Annabel both told me separately that I have hit the wall.
I need to be old.
I need to look old so no one here will ever fuck me again.
If I were old, I wouldn’t be making her fall in love with me.
When you’re old, it’s hard to be in love.
When you’re old, it's hard to be psychotic in love.
When you’re old, you wore baggy jeans in 1996.
When you’re old, you’re alone.
When you’re old, you put breath into your whole sentence so your statement doesn’t dry up like a weak balloon of Galaxy Gas.
When you’re old, your mother dies soon.
My mother deserves to live longer than yours, little girl.
My mother is so much better than yours, little girl.
My mother would never cheech pot in front of cops.
My mother would never abandon you.
My mother would never drop lore about being a whore.
My mother would not marry and have kids with an alcoholic.
My mother would ask you questions.
My mother would help you with homework.
My mother would not make you her mother.
My dad would be your hero.
My dad would not have empty bottles of peppermint schnapps in his car.
My dad would die a thousand excruciating deaths before kicking you with his boot.
My dad would tell you, “Follow your heart, and money will follow.”
My dad would praise you.
My dad would love you like a princess.
My dad would love you like a fat [REDACTED] loves a 100x meme coin run.
My dad would love you like Sean Baker loves his Oscar for the best Dimes Square picture.
My dad would love you like Shakespeare loved sonnets.
My dad would love you like Warren Buffett loves undervalued companies.
My dad would love you like Sondheim loves librettos.
My dad would love you like a prime location in a proto-gentrified neighborhood in Brooklyn.
I don’t goon.
But I did goon last night for the first time in two years—
and
those girls
are
really
good.
I’d be so good in porn.
If I lived in Broward County
as male talent
in porn
I would not need to make you love me.
I’d shoot ten scenes a day and every girl
I’d cast
would look just like you,
angel,
and I’d love them.
Peter Vack is an actor, filmmaker, meme admin, novelist, and poet from New York City.
Galaxy gas